Joyce's blog

Coming up...

2011-01-22T06:01:00.000-08:00

Mrs Hoover will be back in June 2011 for a new season of summer shows at the English Language Centre, Hove, Sussex.

STOP PRESS: Mrs Hoover will be giving a keynote address at the 45th IATEFL Conference..

2011-01-21T05:56:00.000-08:00

COMEDY NIGHT WITH MRS HOOVER

Brighton on Monday 18th April 2011

Come and meet Brighton’s Leading Landlady for overseas students, delegate to the hostmothers of Great Britain and the woman who put the ‘hospital’ in ‘hospitality’.

Though not a trained teacher herself, Mrs Hoover has some robust opinions on how to teach English (“I’m a native speaker, it just comes naturally to me.”) And after four decades of catering for EL learners from all over the world, she knows a thing or two about cross-cultural understanding: “We’ve got the culture and it makes me cross when they don’t understand it!”
Hold onto your hats for an end-of-the-pier ride through the eccentric world of Mrs Hoover — Hostess to the World.

Fun, laughter, free biscuits and some (very) irregular verbs!

http://www.iatefl.org/brighton-2011/45th-annual-conference-and-exhibition-2011

Had a nice chat with my new Colombian girl, Rosa...

2011-01-13T05:52:00.000-08:00

Had a nice chat with my new Colombian girl, Rosa. She told me a lot of things about her home country that I never knew before.

Apparently, they have a proper government with a president and a council of ministers, and they even have elections every four years, like we do. She insisted that the rest of the world had the wrong image of her country. “They think we are all drug smugglers, or bandits!” she wailed.

“And kidnappers,” I reminded her.
“Yes, yes, all that. It’s so unfair!”

“Stereotypes are unfair, Rosa,” I said. “Some people in Europe associate us British with excessive drinking and hooliganism, yet I don’t know a single person with an ASBO*. Except of course for Mrs Baker at number 181 Davigdor Road.”

I was also surprised to learn that her country is in South America and used to be a Spanish colony; I’d always thought it was a part of Canada and had been a British colony.

* Anti-Social Behaviour Order, issued to individuals in recognition of their contribution to lawlessness in Britain, and often worn as a ‘badge of honour’ by ‘feral youths’. (See also: Hoodie, Hooray Henry, Prince Harry)

Got a call from the language school this morning...

2011-01-12T05:48:00.000-08:00

Got a call from the language school this morning asking me if I’d take a VIP next week for a month. Apparently, he’s a Euro MP (whatever that means) and the school wants him to have the full five-star treatment.

Almuth, the accommodation secretary, said, “We’d love you to have him as you’ve had so much experience of so many nationalities and types and you’re used to dealing with tricky customers.” She’s right, too: when you’ve lived under the same roof with foreigners as I have these last 33 years, there’s nothing, however bizarre, that can faze you. But here’s the hilarious part: she says to me, “There’s just one problem — he’s allergic to cats.”

“And I’ve got two,” I said.
“Yes, I know,” she said.
“Jeffrey and Ian,” I said.
“Yes, she said, and she hesitated. I could hear her repeatedly clicking the button on her retractable ballpoint pen. “The thing is,” she said, “I was wondering if you could possibly have the cats placed in a cattery for the duration of Mr… er, Malherbe’s stay. Naturally, the school would meet the costs of their accommodation…”

Now I’ve had some strange requests in my time as a hostmother but this was priceless! I happen to know that Almuth herself is of foreign extraction, so I was willing to make allowances.

“My dear,” I said, “I think you’ve misunderstood one of the basic principles of family life in this country. I’ve sometimes had occasions to get rid of students because the animals didn’t take to them, but the other way round… Well, it’s unthinkable. Now if you’d asked me to have Leslie placed in temporary residential care, there might have been some room for manoeuvre!”

Hello again!

2010-03-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hello again!

Hasn’t it been a long and horrid winter? I don’t know what it’s been like where you live but this end of Davigdor Road in Brighton has felt positively polar for the last five months. I haven’t felt like going outside without at least two thick cardigans, a quilted jacket, winter coat and fur-lined boots. But when I peered out of the kitchen window this morning I noticed five little daffodils, their bright yellow faces beaming at me as if to say, in squeaky but endearing voices, “Here we are again!”

Spring at last! I thought. Time to tackle the cobwebs on the landing, beat the sitting room carpet, change the bed linen and update my blog.

Visitors are coming in and out of Brighton and Hove all year round, of course, but it is at this time in late March/early April that the trickle swells to a steady flow. Before you know it, the summer torrent will be upon us; landladies like me will be in season again and absolutely inundated with demands for our services.

I thought I’d make my spring offering to you a privileged glimpse into the inner workings of a Brighton-and-Hove host family home. An up-close, no-holds-barred view of English hospitality in action. For the first time I am going to allow the world to take a peek into Mrs. Hoover’s Diary, the candid record I have kept, for many years now, of life with my “international family” at Joyles, (number 179 Davigdor Road).

So, here we go with the first installment!

Love,

Joyce x

PS Oh, just in case you are a newcomer to this little corner of the internet where I keep house, perhaps I should explain that Leslie is my husband and Kenneth is my dog.

Wednesday 4th

Hiroko’s been looking glum lately. She didn’t finish her dinner yesterday, although it was faggots, mashed potato and peas — a pleasant change, you’d think, for someone brought up on seaweed soup!

When I asked her what was wrong, a large teardrop ran down her nose and into her raspberry jelly and evaporated milk. Then Ahmet shouts out, “Look – she’s cry! Why you cry? You no like jelly?” I told him to be quiet. “Take no notice, dear,” I said to Hiroko. “If you’re worried about something, you can always talk to me.” I felt sorry for the girl, though I was a bit put out about the wasted faggots. “Japanese people are very shy and sensitive,” I said, looking pointedly at Ahmet.

“You have to approach them politely and indirectly. Now, Hiroko,” I said, putting my hand on hers and giving her a reassuring smile, “ what’s the matter, dear? Come on, spit it out!”

“Probrem is,” she said, dabbing her nose with a corner of the serviette, “when I speak Engrish no one understand me…”

“What was that?” said Leslie, suddenly taking an interest. “Could you say that again?”

At this the poor girl burst into tears and ran upstairs.

“You oaf!” I said to him. “Now look what you’ve done!”

“What do you mean? Did I say something wrong?”

At this point Jean-Pierre gave one of his little disdainful puffs: “Me, ah sink she is ’umsick,” he said.

“Homesick”, I corrected. “Of course she isn’t homesick. None of my students are ever homesick. It’s against the rules.” I had to shout this last sentence because Kenneth had suddenly started barking his head off. He always barks when Jean-Pierre speaks, though whether it’s the accent that bothers him or a dislike of the French in general, I can’t tell. And that in turn set Leslie off: “Shut that dog up, will you, for God’s sake!” Then Ahmet provoked Kenneth even more by barking back at him until I got cross with Ahmet, at which point Heidi stood up and announced she was going to bed because she couldn’t stand it any longer. As she got up she knocked Hiroko’s plate off the table: two uneaten faggots rolled across the carpet gathering fluff. Kenneth leapt to get them, I tried to intercept him (faggots give him terrible wind), and in the process got a nip on my hand. I shouted out, Kenneth bolted the faggots, Leslie hurled his Greyhound Fanciers Gazette across the room, and the whole dinner ended in pandemonium.

“You can clear up!” I said, glaring at Jean-Pierre, then left the room and went upstairs to comfort Hiroko.

When I came back down to the dining room fifteen minutes later, I found Ahmet going from chair to chair finishing off everyone else’s jelly.

The new website

2009-12-02T01:39:00.000-08:00

Hello visitors

I do hope you like my new-look website. Clever Mr Cotterell, my webmaster general, has given it a lovely rosy pink glow, and it looks so bright and cheerful now that, having clicked your way here, you can’t bear to leave!

I do hope you will take a peep at my new gallery of pictures and read my wise and thought-provoking captions.

Do feel free to send me your comments and, just so long as they are positive, Mr. C will forward them to me.

Well, no time to waste — only 23 shopping days till Christmas!

Have to go now and hold the ladder while Leslie climbs up the front of number 179 to hang our life-size flashing Santa’s Sleigh and Reindeer from the gutter.

Love
Joyce x

Off to Berlin

2009-09-20T00:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Visitors
It’s me again. I nearly forgot to tell you ― I’m off to Bernau near Berlin in Germany on Friday 25th September. I’ve been asked to talk to a large audience of English Language teachers about why they should send their students to learn English in Britain, and what host families, like me, can add to their cultural education. Just up my street – I can’t wait to give them a piece of my mind! If you want to fly out there and join in the fun, well, you can. But you’ll have to hurry!

JH x

Such a busy summer

2009-09-02T00:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Visitors
Well it’s been such a busy summer that I’ve hardly caught my breath, and I’ve certainly had no time to sit down and ‘blog’, as the younger generation like to call it. However, I simply have to tell you about my appearance recently at the Brighton Centre to address a learned congregation of university people from all over the world. They were Speech Scientists and Technologists, apparently, and the organisers engaged me, I suppose, because they knew I would give the delegates a good talking to. What’s more they knew that they’d be able to pick up some useful tips from my own style of speech which, since I am a native speaker from the south-east of England, represents an ideal model for users (and would-be users) of English the whole world over.

Here is a shortened version of my ‘address to conference at the closing plenary’ (I love all that jargon, don’t you? It makes one sound so important!)

Apropos, Professor Roger Moore, who invited me, is General Chair of conference – a funny title that doesn’t do him justice at all. When you meet him, he’s definitely more of a chaise longue ― and a very elegant one at that!

Yours truly,
Joyce
September 2009

PS These lovely photos were taken by Guy Brown, the official conference photographer.

Mrs Hoover at INTERSPEECH 2009, The Brighton Centre

Hello delegates!

Thank you very much, Professor Moore and learned colleagues next to him. I’m Joyce Hoover, Brighton’s leading landlady, or hostmother, which means I’m in the business of extending traditional British hospitality to overseas visitors from all four corners of the globe. A strange expression ‘all four corners of the globe’ – since a globe, from what I remember of school mathematics, is a sphere and therefore can’t have any corners, and yet you know what I mean, don’t you? Isn’t that wonderful? That’s the magic and mystery of English, and where would we be if we always said what we mean, eh?

I’m here this afternoon on behalf of Brighton and Hove Hospitality & Leisure Services.

Actually, I asked to be part of the welcome committee, last Sunday, but I was overlooked – actually Professor Moore, kind gentleman that he is, said “No, we hadn’t forgotten you – we just wanted to save the best till last!” So here I am helping with the closing ceremony instead. Which is appropriate really, as I’ve closed many conferences in my time, some of them on the first morning!

Now from what I understand you delegates are the clever people who record those messages we hear on telephone answering machines, you know: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE. IF YOU WANT TO RE-RECORD YOUR MESSAGE AT ANY TIME, JUST PRESS THE HASH KEY. That sort of thing. That’s you! Well, that’s marvellous! The faces behind the voices! I must say, I never knew it was such a big industry!

There’s a supermarket near me with an escalator and there’s a recorded message you hear, it sounds a bit like a robot, but a lady robot, saying YOU ARE NOW APPROACHING A MOVING CONVEYOR and then PLEASE PREPARE TO PUSH YOUR TROLLEY OFF THE END OF THE CONVEYOR. Do you also do that one? Well, can I say it’s very annoying and I wish they’d turn it off!

All the same, I’m sure that what you do is very important work and I’m delighted that you’ve all gathered here in my hometown of Brighton to discuss how to do it even better!

Now, Professor Moore kindly sent me a copy of the programme for this conference INTERSPEECH so that I could provide a humble Hove housewife’s perspective on the great themes you have been debating this week.

Well, I read it through. Then I rubbed my eyes and I read it again. As perhaps you did!

Just listen to this:

The systems are a baseline agglomerative clustering system, a new Variational Bayes system using eigenvoice speaker models, a streaming system using a mix of low dimensional speaker factors and classic segmentation and clustering, and a new hybrid system combining the baseline system with a new cosine-distance speaker factor clustering. Results are presented using the Diarization Error Rate as well as by the EER when using diarization outputs for a speaker detection task. The best configurations of the diarization system produced DERs of 3.5–4.6% and we demonstrate a weak correlation of EER and DER,

Now look, delegates, I’m sorry but, er, what on earth’s he on about? Put your hand up if you can explain that in good old Anglo Saxon. I mean, I’m lost and I’m a native English speaker! If I can’t understand it, what hope is there for foreign delegates? Anyway, I can’t see what any of that’s got to do with recording messages for answering machines or the voice boxes inside teddy bears.

And then … listen to this one.

Does session variability compensation in speaker recognition model intrinsic variation under mismatched conditions?

That’s not the whole talk that’s just the title…and if you look closely you see it’s a question. (Reads again) Well, delegates, what I want to know is – does it? You dear, on the second row, does it - yes or no? And if it does will it affect my pension?

I asked Prof Moore how speech engineers and scientists relax. “How do they let their hair down?” I said. He furrowed his brow, looked puzzled, thought about it a bit…. “Relax, you say? Let their hair down? I don’t know. Mm. I tell you what ― I’ll google it. Well, it says here” (Professor Moore went on) “In their free time, Speech Scientists and Technologists enjoy providing jaw motion modelled as a rigid body and tongue, cheek and lip movement modelled with a freeform deformation technique.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“It means they talk a lot,” he said.
“Oh,” I said, “then they sound like my kind of people!”

You know, delegates, the problem with conferences is you spend the whole time cooped up in some stuffy seminar room listening to someone droning on about cosine-distance speaker factor clustering, or whatever, and you never even see the sea! But happily the serious part of your stay is nearly over now; now’s the time to relax and enjoy yourself, to fill in your expenses claim form and fill your suitcase with those sachets of coffee and little bars of soap from your hotel bedroom! It’s time to have a bit of fun and that’s what Brighton is famous for – fun!
The INTERSPEECH Conference Committee has shown its collective wisdom by choosing Brighton as the venue for this conference. You know, delegates, in the bad old days Brighton used to be known as the place to come for a ‘dirty weekend’; but that’s all changed, thank goodness ― nowadays visitors stay the whole week! I hope I don’t bring a flush to the cheek of any unmarried delegates when I admit that there is something in the atmosphere of my home town that is conducive to romantic adventures (though it’s long since ceased to have any effect on my husband Leslie, alas). You can see this aphrodisiac influence in the architecture. I don’t just mean the voluptuous curves of the Royal Pavilion, but the seafront itself: after all, what are all these huge hotels along the seafront ― what are they, really, if not thousands and thousands of bedrooms? But let me quickly change the subject because I know that as speech scientists you have your minds on higher things, such as your expenses allowance and whether your registration fee covers use of the hotel jacuzzi.

Brighton is England’s premier resort. I’ve lived here all my life and I must say I feel a bit sorry for anyone not lucky enough to have been born here. Every year Brighton plays host to hundreds of thousands of visitors from all four corners. Some come here to escape from the rat race, others to escape from the police; some are here to pick up English, and others to pick up boys. But whatever the type, whatever the motive, all will benefit from the healing powers of good old “Dr Brighton”.
As Brighton’s leading landlady I do a lot of work like this to promote this town and the British tourist industry in particular. Now I know that the world’s press like to fasten on these negative ‘scare stories’ about our countries, stories that suggest it isn’t safe to come here, to eat our meat, paddle in our sea or languish in our hospitals. Let me reassure you now, that the vast majority of overseas visitors to Britain do return home again safe and sound. Occasionally a gang of local youths will tar and feather one of my foreign students and throw him into the sea, but it’s only a bit of harmless fun, and as I say to the student, ‘If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t travel, should you?’

Well, I can see the organisers in the background making gestures to me to begin the long process of winding up my address and so closing the conference.
I hope that next time you come to Brighton you’ll bring your family and you’ll stay with me at Joyles: I may not have the extensive conference facilities of the Thistle Hotel but you can enjoy a culturally enriching experience being part of the hurly burly of traditional family life here. I put fresh linen on the beds at the start of the holiday season; there are tea-making facilities in the bedrooms
and hot and cold running water (though not necessarily from the taps).

Don’t forget, I’m Mrs Hoover, and you can find me at number 179 Davigdor Road, if you’ve enjoyed my little presentation today, remember – I am just the tip of the iceberg!

An interview with...

2008-06-11T02:42:00.000-07:00

Teaching them a Lesson

Mrs. Hoover is widely regarded as Britain’s leading landlady (or ‘host mother’) for overseas students on English language courses in the U.K. Although she has never been inside an ELT classroom, she has strong opinions on language learning through immersion in the British cultural experience. In this hard-hitting interview for the prestigious journal English English, she brings her homely wisdom to bear on some of the urgent questions that preoccupy ELT practitioners today.

Can you suggest some guidelines for teachers to use when evaluating English/foreign language textbooks? What do you think is the most important ingredient of a text book? What do you think teachers can do if the textbooks they are required to use do not reflect the cultural diversity of the language learners in their classrooms?

Speaking as a non-teacher, but with lots of experience of language learners at the domestic end of things, so to speak, I would say that a good text book should be very thick, with lots of pages in very small print, and not many illustrations. It should look serious and ‘difficult’ in order to show students that they’ve got a hard task in front of them and that they’d better knuckle down and get on with it.

Too many of the books I see, the ones students bring back to the Hoover house from their language schools, try to make language learning look ‘fun’, which it isn’t! As often as not these books are full of big glossy colour pictures of other smiling youngsters from all four corners of the globe, and not much else besides! I wouldn’t bother with them.

As for cultural diversity, I can’t see the problem. As long as the text book shows us plenty of examples of British people speaking and writing British English in a way that expresses British values, what more could you want? After all, we are the original native speakers and still quite clearly the best role models when it comes to ‘good English’, whichever part of the world you’re talking about. As I tell the students who lodge with me at number 179 Davigdor Road, “I’m all for cultural understanding: we’ve got the culture – it’s up to you foreigners to understand it!”

How does a content-based approach to ELT differ from a skills-based approach? In what kind of teaching situation should a teacher use one or the other approach?

Sorry, dear, you’ve lost me there!

Can you explain what a pedagogic task is, and then give us some examples of pedagogic tasks that would be appropriate for beginning, intermediate, and advanced adolescent learners of English?

I’m not sure what you mean, but in my experience it’s difficult to get adolescents to do any kind of task, whether it’s carrying their dirty plate into the kitchen or picking their pajamas up off the bedroom floor in the morning. I can’t imagine you’d have much luck getting them to do a pedagogic task (whatever that is) unless it involved texting their friends or destroying alien life forms in a video game!

Now that English has become an international language, do you believe that there should be one or one small group of standard varieties of English, based on British or American English usage, or should local varieties be used as the standard in countries where English is used as a lingua franca?

If you want tonic water in your gin, you buy Schweppes; if you want cornflakes in your breakfast bowl, you buy Kellogs; if you want a vacuum cleaner, you get a Hoover. Why? Because the original is always the best. It’s the same when it comes to learning English: beware of imitations! Which would you rather speak — the English of Queen Elizabeth II, or the English of Sylvester Stallone? Exactly! We British have been setting the standard for correct English usage since the days of Geoffrey Chaucer (particularly those of us who live in my corner of East Sussex!)

What does an ELT professional need to know about language learning in order to design a successful speaking class? Can you offer us some ‘tips’ for dealing with mixed ability classes?

I’m not sure I’ve ever met a so-called ELT professional who could get his students speaking English as quickly and effectively as I do at number 179 Davigdor Road. As far as I can see most language students sit in the classroom while their teachers bombard them with difficult grammar, vocabulary and pronunciation exercises with the result that they clam up for good! With me, on the other hand, learners really ‘live’ the language: mowing the lawn, emptying the bins, washing my husband’s car or just peeling the potatoes for the evening meal. It’s called Learning by Doing, and what they learn is Survival English — quite literally in some cases!

As for ‘mixed ability’, let me say there is no discrimination at the Hoover house. Elementary, Intermediate, Advanced — they’re all treated as equals (as long as they pay on time and don’t use all the hot water).

What ‘arts and crafts’ would you suggest for ELT teachers dealing with young children of all levels? How can language teachers use music, drama or literature to enhance their language lessons?

Oh, it’s singing, without a doubt. Every evening after dinner the students at number 179 gather round the piano with me and my husband, Leslie, and we sing traditional English songs made famous by the likes of Helen Shapiro and Megadeath. I call it ‘Singlish’ – ‘Sing in English’ – and, believe me, it’s the fun way to practise the language. What’s more it creates a lovely group spirit. My lodgers call me their ‘hostmother’ (and, indeed, they are like a family to me, only not as messy and dysfunctional). I always say to them, “Remember, the family that sings together, clings together.”

What are some of the similarities and differences in learning a first language as an infant, on the one hand, and learning a second language as a child, on the other hand?

I’m glad to say that, being a native English speaker, I’ve never had to learn a second language, but I imagine it must be very tiresome.

How can teachers provide quality language instruction when they are under so much pressure to prepare students for language proficiency tests?

Oh, don’t worry – I’m sure they’ll do their best.

What one important piece of advice can you offer to English / foreign language teachers to help them become even better at their jobs?

Learn to play the ukulele, and do more cooking in class. (English recipes, obviously).

May–June 2008 Newsletter

2008-05-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Visitors (if that’s what you call people who drop in unannounced at other people’s websites)

Welcome to my ‘blog’ for May-June 2008. I don’t know why I can’t call it my ‘diary’, which is a perfectly good English word, but the young man who hosts my presence on the world-wide web tells me we have to use this fashionable term for it otherwise we won’t get any ‘hits’.

You’ll know (if you’ve been paying attention) that I am a landlady in Brighton on the south coast of England. These days, with the decline of the traditional British seaside holiday and the availability of cheap flights to hot, insanitary lands in the south, I have come to rely on overseas visitors to make up the great majority of my paying guests.

My terms being half board, naturally I always try to give these guests an authentic taste of Britain. And this includes BISCUITS.
Many of these visitors do not enjoy our natural advantages — I mean, for example, they are not native-born speakers of English and have to struggle to express even rudimentary ideas in our language. It's difficult to imagine, but there you are. We have to do our best to help them cope. And here I come to MY POINT: you will have noticed that a number of varieties of biscuit commonly offered in "assortments" these days carry the NAME of the biscuit impressed or embossed (by stamp or mould) on the baked sugary surface of that biscuit. Hence NICE, and CUSTARD CREAM, to name but two. My lodgers find this kind of linguistic support enormously helpful. Whenever they are taking tea in England and are offered a biscuit they can quickly (and discreetly) glance at the name and look it up in the little bilingual dictionaries they always carry with them. Thus they know what they're getting, and a little more is added to the great fund of cultural knowledge they acquire by staying with a real English family. Moreover, some of these English language learners have to take examinations and it is reassuring to know that should biscuits come up in the Cambridge First Certificate Paper Three: Use of English (for example), they will be well-prepared.

For some years I have been conducting a quiet, 'behind-the-scenes' campaign to get biscuit manufacturers to do more of this 'integral signing'. Why shouldn't overseas consumers also be advised that the round biscuit with the host of little bumps on it that they are about to eat is a LINCOLN CREAM? And surely they could find room between the elegant furrows on a fig roll for the helpful legend: FIG ROLL....

I would be pleased to think that the many visitors to this website would support me in my efforts to put pressure on the biscuit consortia to name (but certainly not shame) their products!

I worry that young Britons today are losing contact with their biscuit heritage (I have heard teenagers say, when asked to identify a biscuit from amongst a teatime assortment, "Dunno. Is it a cookie?")
If nothing else, more integral signing would help keep alive an awareness amongst our own people of their rich biscuit heritage.

"Rich Tea". There's another one, you see.

Best wishes

Joyce Hoover (Mrs)