Such a busy summer

Dear Visitors
Well it’s been such a busy summer that I’ve hardly caught my breath, and I’ve certainly had no time to sit down and ‘blog’, as the younger generation like to call it. However, I simply have to tell you about my appearance recently at the Brighton Centre to address a learned congregation of university people from all over the world. They were Speech Scientists and Technologists, apparently, and the organisers engaged me, I suppose, because they knew I would give the delegates a good talking to. What’s more they knew that they’d be able to pick up some useful tips from my own style of speech which, since I am a native speaker from the south-east of England, represents an ideal model for users (and would-be users) of English the whole world over.

Here is a shortened version of my ‘address to conference at the closing plenary’ (I love all that jargon, don’t you? It makes one sound so important!)

Apropos, Professor Roger Moore, who invited me, is General Chair of conference – a funny title that doesn’t do him justice at all. When you meet him, he’s definitely more of a chaise longue ― and a very elegant one at that!

Yours truly,
Joyce
September 2009

PS These lovely photos were taken by Guy Brown, the official conference photographer.


Mrs Hoover at INTERSPEECH 2009, The Brighton Centre

Hello delegates!

Thank you very much, Professor Moore and learned colleagues next to him. I’m Joyce Hoover, Brighton’s leading landlady, or hostmother, which means I’m in the business of extending traditional British hospitality to overseas visitors from all four corners of the globe. A strange expression ‘all four corners of the globe’ – since a globe, from what I remember of school mathematics, is a sphere and therefore can’t have any corners, and yet you know what I mean, don’t you? Isn’t that wonderful? That’s the magic and mystery of English, and where would we be if we always said what we mean, eh?

I’m here this afternoon on behalf of Brighton and Hove Hospitality & Leisure Services.

Actually, I asked to be part of the welcome committee, last Sunday, but I was overlooked – actually Professor Moore, kind gentleman that he is, said “No, we hadn’t forgotten you – we just wanted to save the best till last!” So here I am helping with the closing ceremony instead. Which is appropriate really, as I’ve closed many conferences in my time, some of them on the first morning!

Now from what I understand you delegates are the clever people who record those messages we hear on telephone answering machines, you know: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR MESSAGE AFTER THE TONE. IF YOU WANT TO RE-RECORD YOUR MESSAGE AT ANY TIME, JUST PRESS THE HASH KEY. That sort of thing. That’s you! Well, that’s marvellous! The faces behind the voices! I must say, I never knew it was such a big industry!

There’s a supermarket near me with an escalator and there’s a recorded message you hear, it sounds a bit like a robot, but a lady robot, saying YOU ARE NOW APPROACHING A MOVING CONVEYOR and then PLEASE PREPARE TO PUSH YOUR TROLLEY OFF THE END OF THE CONVEYOR. Do you also do that one? Well, can I say it’s very annoying and I wish they’d turn it off!

All the same, I’m sure that what you do is very important work and I’m delighted that you’ve all gathered here in my hometown of Brighton to discuss how to do it even better!

Now, Professor Moore kindly sent me a copy of the programme for this conference INTERSPEECH so that I could provide a humble Hove housewife’s perspective on the great themes you have been debating this week.

Well, I read it through. Then I rubbed my eyes and I read it again. As perhaps you did!

Just listen to this:

The systems are a baseline agglomerative clustering system, a new Variational Bayes system using eigenvoice speaker models, a streaming system using a mix of low dimensional speaker factors and classic segmentation and clustering, and a new hybrid system combining the baseline system with a new cosine-distance speaker factor clustering. Results are presented using the Diarization Error Rate as well as by the EER when using diarization outputs for a speaker detection task. The best configurations of the diarization system produced DERs of 3.5–4.6% and we demonstrate a weak correlation of EER and DER,

Now look, delegates, I’m sorry but, er, what on earth’s he on about? Put your hand up if you can explain that in good old Anglo Saxon. I mean, I’m lost and I’m a native English speaker! If I can’t understand it, what hope is there for foreign delegates? Anyway, I can’t see what any of that’s got to do with recording messages for answering machines or the voice boxes inside teddy bears.

And then … listen to this one.

Does session variability compensation in speaker recognition model intrinsic variation under mismatched conditions?

That’s not the whole talk that’s just the title…and if you look closely you see it’s a question. (Reads again) Well, delegates, what I want to know is – does it? You dear, on the second row, does it - yes or no? And if it does will it affect my pension?

I asked Prof Moore how speech engineers and scientists relax. “How do they let their hair down?” I said. He furrowed his brow, looked puzzled, thought about it a bit…. “Relax, you say? Let their hair down? I don’t know. Mm. I tell you what ― I’ll google it. Well, it says here” (Professor Moore went on) “In their free time, Speech Scientists and Technologists enjoy providing jaw motion modelled as a rigid body and tongue, cheek and lip movement modelled with a freeform deformation technique.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“It means they talk a lot,” he said.
“Oh,” I said, “then they sound like my kind of people!”


You know, delegates, the problem with conferences is you spend the whole time cooped up in some stuffy seminar room listening to someone droning on about cosine-distance speaker factor clustering, or whatever, and you never even see the sea! But happily the serious part of your stay is nearly over now; now’s the time to relax and enjoy yourself, to fill in your expenses claim form and fill your suitcase with those sachets of coffee and little bars of soap from your hotel bedroom! It’s time to have a bit of fun and that’s what Brighton is famous for – fun!
The INTERSPEECH Conference Committee has shown its collective wisdom by choosing Brighton as the venue for this conference. You know, delegates, in the bad old days Brighton used to be known as the place to come for a ‘dirty weekend’; but that’s all changed, thank goodness ― nowadays visitors stay the whole week! I hope I don’t bring a flush to the cheek of any unmarried delegates when I admit that there is something in the atmosphere of my home town that is conducive to romantic adventures (though it’s long since ceased to have any effect on my husband Leslie, alas). You can see this aphrodisiac influence in the architecture. I don’t just mean the voluptuous curves of the Royal Pavilion, but the seafront itself: after all, what are all these huge hotels along the seafront ― what are they, really, if not thousands and thousands of bedrooms? But let me quickly change the subject because I know that as speech scientists you have your minds on higher things, such as your expenses allowance and whether your registration fee covers use of the hotel jacuzzi.

Brighton is England’s premier resort. I’ve lived here all my life and I must say I feel a bit sorry for anyone not lucky enough to have been born here. Every year Brighton plays host to hundreds of thousands of visitors from all four corners. Some come here to escape from the rat race, others to escape from the police; some are here to pick up English, and others to pick up boys. But whatever the type, whatever the motive, all will benefit from the healing powers of good old “Dr Brighton”.
As Brighton’s leading landlady I do a lot of work like this to promote this town and the British tourist industry in particular. Now I know that the world’s press like to fasten on these negative ‘scare stories’ about our countries, stories that suggest it isn’t safe to come here, to eat our meat, paddle in our sea or languish in our hospitals. Let me reassure you now, that the vast majority of overseas visitors to Britain do return home again safe and sound. Occasionally a gang of local youths will tar and feather one of my foreign students and throw him into the sea, but it’s only a bit of harmless fun, and as I say to the student, ‘If you can’t take a joke, you shouldn’t travel, should you?’

Well, I can see the organisers in the background making gestures to me to begin the long process of winding up my address and so closing the conference.
I hope that next time you come to Brighton you’ll bring your family and you’ll stay with me at Joyles: I may not have the extensive conference facilities of the Thistle Hotel but you can enjoy a culturally enriching experience being part of the hurly burly of traditional family life here. I put fresh linen on the beds at the start of the holiday season; there are tea-making facilities in the bedrooms
and hot and cold running water (though not necessarily from the taps).

Don’t forget, I’m Mrs Hoover, and you can find me at number 179 Davigdor Road, if you’ve enjoyed my little presentation today, remember – I am just the tip of the iceberg!